Thursday, June 03, 2004

Ignore me you fucks:

No doubt you all know this by now but writing is cathartic and by Christ i need it.

This is selfish. No excuses.

I saw Ingrid last night and the wound that was healing tore open once again.

And it is still bleeding.

It is easy to ignore the feelings you have for someone when they are not around but once you see them, just like the tequila from the night before, they all come flooding back.

I love Ingrid like i've never loved anyone before. Actually the real truth is i haven't loved anyone before. First love at the age of 27. I'm either incredibly lucky or incredibly unlucky.

I used to imagine us married, living together and having children. The fact that i used to do this spins my head. The fact that i still do is just slicing open scar tissue.

So why did i end the relationship? If i love someone so much. If i happily imagine a future. How could i have done it?

Because we couldn't help each other. I couldn't listen to her and vice versa. And neither of us is able to come back to repair things. That's just how it is. And so i ended the relationship.

You gave me an amazing blessing and a horrible curse Ingrid.

You taught me to feel.

And i thank you for that and will never forget you.


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