Friday, May 07, 2004


I present the first of what i hope will be a series of short five minute plays about inconsequential shit.

Five the First - (The Truth Should Stay Out There)

There are two young guys. There is a sofa and an armchair perhaps a TV and a playstation. One is rather animated (Graham) and should periodically get out of the chair and jump around the room, the other (Nick) more relaxed and playing the game or focused on the TV.

Graham stares for a while at the side of Nick’s head. There is a couple of seconds before he speaks.

G: You’re killing me.

N: Huh?

G: You. Are. Killing. Me.

N: You’ll get a shot soon.

G: Avoiding the question.

N: Needs to be a question asked before I can avoid it,

G: I don’t need to ask the question. You know the question! So just answer it.

N: Yeah. I’ll have fries with that.

Graham puts his head in his hands after this one. Nick takes a quick look at him and smirks.

G: Ugh.

N: Something wrong?

G: I think I may have spoken to soon. Cause of death may be due to sense of humour rather than refusal to disclose vital information.

N: Cope.

G: So did it happen?

N: What?

G: You are really going to make this as difficult as possible aren’t you?

N: Yep

G: Why?

N: Sadomasochistic tendencies I guess. Actually I just like watching you suffer.

G: And here I am trying to look after you. And this is the thanks I get.

N: You’re not going to try and kiss me now are you? Because I’ve already kissed one of your family in the last 48 hours.

G: Hah Hah very funny. Leave my mum out of this.

N: Not a problem.

G: So recap time. Friday night last night of Year 12 Production. Biiiig Party. You’re there and I, due to stupid, stupid sporting commitments are not.

N: Sounds right.

The following lines end with Graham sitting on his haunches on the sofa staring at the side of Nick’s head about 10cm away.

G: So last night, 24 hours after the big party, I get back and everyone I talk to is saying ‘So did you hear about Nick?”. “Hey Nick did well”. “Nick was on fire”. And all I’m thinking is they must be talking about a different Nick, because Nick is my friend and if Nick did anything, let alone that, then he would tell me. Especially if it was with a gorgeous blonde!

N: hmmmm

G: But I have a problem because Nick has told me shit.

N: Maybe you need to ask the question that you want the answer to?

G: But I don’t nee……… Did you do it on Friday night?

N: Do What?

Graham screams and falls over the back of the sofa

G: (Yelled from behind the sofa) It!

N: Oh that.

G: Yes That.

N: That it?

G Yes

N: Sure.

Graham springs up from behind the sofa

G: What?

N: Everyone else was so I didn’t want to be left out.

G: Everyone?

N: Drama students, you know, tend to do things together.

G: Everyone? And I missed it?

N: Gra, I’m very sorry that you weren’t there. Maybe it could have happened for you to.

G: Really?

N: Everyone was offering it to everyone else.

G: Woah!

N: Yep you too could have had a beer.

Dejected Graham

G: I knew it wasn’t going to be that easy.

Graham disappears behind the sofa. There is a large amount of banging.

N: What are you doing?

G: Looking for something I can beat it out of you with.

N: Sorry I’ll be serious now. Look I’m putting down the game and moving to the side of the sofa.

Graham leaps over the sofa and sits facing Nick.

G: So did you do it?

N: It? Be more specific or I will keep making bad jokes.

G: You know It?

Graham jumps up and starts thrusting his hips and pulling back with his arms.

G: Ittttttttttttttt!

N: I really hope no one walks in right now.

G: Horizontal Folk Dancing, stoinking, shtupping, bonking, banging, eh-eh-eh (includes finger gestures ala Acropolis Now), make sweet love, be with a lady, have sex!

N: Have you finished?

G: Give me a second. (Graham composes himself) Yes.

N: I got laid on Friday night.

G: Whoa. With the blonde?

N: Yes, with the blonde.

G: Where.

N: You don’t want to know.

Graham gets more insistent

G: Where?

Nick points to right underneath where Graham is sitting

N: Right there.

Graham falls over the arm of the sofa in his haste to escape from the spot.

G: That’s disgusting. That’s horrible. Right there?

N: Yep

G: That’s not so tidy my friend. On a sofa? You couldn’t find somewhere more you know….comfortable?

Nick shrugs his shoulders and replies.

N: Well your sister didn’t seem to mind.

G: What?

There is a look of realisation on Graham's face

Lights go dark.


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