Friday, October 22, 2004


The roster for season 2004-2007

Liberal Roster

Labor Roster

Liberal Captain/Coach John "The Rodent" Howard has named a virtually unchanged lineup.

Young upand comer McGauran has been shifted from Science to Citizenship and Multicultural affairs. The Captain when asked for comment said he considered McGauran a closing pitcher and since doing a stirling job of shutting down Australian Science he was hoping he could do the same with Multicultural Affairs.

Larry Anthony has been benched as it was declared that his portfolio of Children and Youth Affairs was no longer essential as the benefactors of such a focus were unable to vote and so impervious to scare tactics.

Howard declared a fondness for slugger Joe Hocky and sees great things from the man in his new position as Minister for Human Services. However Howard went on to admit that since his team was focussed on minimising all Human Services it would be a tough run for Joe at the start of the season but by the time the finals start he should be sitting easy.

Howard declined to comment on whether he is looking to equal his personal hero Robert "The Brow" Menzies' record run of victories but was seen to give a slight smile at the question. Howard bid all the assembled reporters well except for those from the ABC who recieved a cold stare and the retort "Your time will come."

New Labor Manager/Captain "Iron" Mark Latham declined to list in what positions his team would be playing for the season stressing that the instability of weather, interest rates and the Right and Left factions in Vic. and NSW along with the growing Indepent Centres could see many changes in the line up over the season.He is expected to bow to pressure and name positions early next week.

Latham declined to comment on the sudden renaming of Simon "What is he good for?" Crean to the team after he was reported as being relegated to the second division for the season after his failed tilt as Captain/Coach. The future of former captain and journeyman Kim "The Big Breezy" Beazley was also in doubt. But with Crean back in it is unlikely that Beazley will make the team as two many ex-captains cause for chaos on the field as the team is a known slow starter and often gets confused. This was best seen by the shocking number of errors while Crean led the team.

Latham warmly stated that he was pleased with his new starters in Bevis, Burke, Ludwig, McLucas, Pilbersek, Sercombe and Wong saying he was expecting a injection of strength that hasn't been seen since the men's cycling tem locker room at the AIS.

When pressed on the refusal of Bob "Da Man" McMullan to suit up for the season and how this might affect the cohesiveness of the team Latham told this reporter to go self impregnate himself with a copy of the Liberals Terrorism handbook and then stormed into team HQ.

With the season soon upon us it looks like a long road ahead for both teams and a fairly depressing sight for punters.


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